Last night I read an interview with Monica, who spoke of feeling like she was not the kind of woman that a man should love. She spoke of having been through so much with men that she felt like something was wrong with her. It’s natural to feel like that after a break up but how do you move past it and get on with life? Usually I have great words of wisdom or motivation but this subject stumps me every time. Let me be candid with you all.
When I think of what it means to be loved I don’t see the couples who stay together for the sake of their children or the couples who are comfortable with one another and afraid of change. When I think of real love, I think of that Michelle and Barack type of love. I think of the woman I met in the furniture store 2 years ago who had been married for 40+ years and when she spoke of her love for her husband her eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas. I think of the woman I met in Arkansas a few weeks ago who doted on her husband and spoke of him like we were all in high school and giggling at the lunch table, who has also enjoyed 40+ years of marriage.
Sometimes I wonder if I am unlovable. Sometimes I feel like I’m the chick that can always be liked but never be loved. No matter the amount of loyalty, honesty, trust and love I pour into relationships… I don’t even get a small percentage in return. It’s hurtful being the chick that no one wants and I often wonder why I am so hard to love. Am I a nagging bitch that’s impossible to live with? Am I a troll that is impossible to look at in the morning? Am I unapproachable, undesirable, unreasonable or just unwanted? I’m very protective of my insecurities so I have spent years trying to find the answer to one simple question. What about me is just never enough?
I have been told by an aunt that I need to be careful because “men love to prey on fat girls.” I have been told by an almost family member that if I ever want to be happy I needed to lower my standards and be with someone “more like me.” I have been told by a man who supposedly loves me that I am likely still single because I’m overweight and it shows “a lack of mental strength.” These are just a few of the more biting comments that stand out in my mind when I think about why I am unlovable. Last night I got in my feelings and spent hours driving to clear my head. I thought about past relationships and failed attempts at relationships and I realized that I am not unlovable. What I realized is that people can only love you the best way they no how. People cannot give to you something they do not possess so I have been loved but I have not been loved the way that I have given it… unconditionally and strong. The only unconditional love I have yet to receive is the love God pours into me daily because sometimes even I find myself impossible to love. On those days, like yesterday, I feel like a failure at life. I don’t feel like I have reached my potential, almost as if I have just been going through the motions but not truly living.
Lately I’ve been feeling like the things I desire are not the things that are written in my destiny and what I have decided to do is live… in spite of it all. There is too much to enjoy about life and being alive to dwell on the things I don’t and may never have.
In the meantime, I’ll enjoy being in love with myself and taking advantage of new opportunities.