Mother Nature is a Man!

If another thing with a peen tells me to stop being dramatic about my period, I am going to scream!!! Like dude… seriously. All men have to worry about is how many pairs of gray sweatpants to buy…

How is it that a man can tell a woman that we’re being dramatic when you have no idea what we are dealing with? Oh you think it’s some cramps? A little bit of blood? Welp……. let me lay this shit out for you.

* A few days before your period you start to cry at the silliest things and Father forbid something out of the ordinary happens and you’re a crying blubbering idiot and you don’t know how to make it stop.

* Then on the day your period starts (if you’re not lucky enough to start when you first wake up) expect to feel something weird, as you rush to the bathroom praying. Now you’re in the bathroom at work or school and hopefully you have something in your purse or else you’re going to have to stuff tissue in your panties until you can find a pad or tampon.

* Now said pad will cover you from the front to the middle of your ass and may cause the equivalent of a diaper rash. Or the tampon that you have to squat to insert and hope it gets in the correct position. Then you spend all day wondering if you’re having leakage because those commercials are BULLSHIT!

* Those cramps that are supposed to be a warning…. usually don’t come until AFTERWARDS and feel like tiny little butterflies in your stomach. Nope, not the butterflies you get when you’re in lust but butterflies that have been set on fire while wearing airbrushed Jodeci boots that say “I’m Mother Nature Bitch” *insert Dave Chappell voice

* Now that second day the cramps likely subside but then you get that headache that does not go away for at least 24 hours no matter what you take (middle finger to Vicodin). The kind of headache that makes you want to drill a hole in the side of your head with a power tool.

* Can we get to the bloating that makes your jeans not fit and brings on crying spells because you feel fat and gross but your emotions are out of whack so you see a whale in the mirror? Oh… y’all don’t want to talk about that huh?

* What about the night sweats and B.O…. as if the anticipation of menopause isn’t bad enough… just make me sweat through my sheets and nap my hair up. Last night my thermostat was on 65 and I was sooooooo HOT!

* The cravings… if you don’t want to undo all your monthly fitness progress you have to fight the Chocolate cravings that will make you bite a crocodiles face off of it were dipped in chocolate. A donut will be your best love affair and then the scale will make you cry… again.

* The diarrhea that has to just run through you. No need to even elaborate.

* Oh, and your gums get swollen and you can hardly eat.

* Your breasts get tender and your nipples hurt too bad to wear a bra…. but you need a bra because your breasts are heavy and to have them hanging will hurt.

* Then finally after 4 days of being weak (because you are actually LOSING BLOOD) you’re finally done. Oh wait… yeah right because your ass will get tricked and now you’ve messed up your cute panties and favorite slacks, only to have to suffer 3 more days. God forbid you have to experience this for more than 7 days… but my personal best is 43.

And then here you men come telling us to stop being dramatic, to suck it up and  to man up!!! Y’all wonder why our heads start spinning like the exorcist and we’re ready to juug y’all in the kidney.

Keep in mind, what I described was an average, run of the mill menstrual cycle. I’ve heard stories of women bleeding through pads every hour and having to carry trash bags, adult diapers and other such foolishness because as women we know that the work must get done, the kids must be taken care of, our men must have his needs met and nothing in our world can slow down.

So the next time you overhear women talking about periods and want to tell her to stop being dramatic, get over it and (my personal favorite) MAN THE HELL UP… please understand that women have been acquitted for murder because of their periods and while a man will bitch about a sniffle… women are too busy getting the hell over it to care about y’alls opinions about our bodies!



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