Black Girl Magic and Misery!

“Black Girl Magic is a rallying call of recognition. Embedded in the everyday is a magnificence that is so easy to miss because we’re so mired in the struggle and what society says we are.” – Ava Duvernay

I guess my permanent “resting bitch face” was on hiatus today. This morning as I was leaving the gym (leg day is a bitch, ain’t it?), this handsome black guy held the door for me and told me that I smelled like Black Girl Magic and Misery. He instantly chuckled as I whipped around to call him and his greasy greasy grandmammy (because in my head she instantly became that) some 4-letter words. I’m sure my face was that of a lioness on the prowl because he took a step back and asked if he could explain.

This man proceeded to tell me that black women are the only race of women that will “take a black man to task and call him on his bullshit.” I told him that I know women who are not black who will do that. By then, I’m getting offended because this fine specimen already told me my cocoa butter smells like Black Girl Magic and Misery but now he was feeding into the black women are bitter bitches ideology. He responded by saying that other women may do it but a black woman will break a man down and continue to love and support their men while she prays for God to build him back up.

This man went on to tell me how he admires the strength of black women. He remembers the cocoa butter scent on his mother when she was whopping him which brought him plenty of misery, but how the scent of his wife’s natural hair products (juices and berries is what he called them) reminds him of the magic born into black women. He said that my scent was a perfect mixture of both.

Now at this point, the brother got me cheesing, blushing and sniffing like a cokehead to see what I smelled like but then he walked off on me like he had just dropped the mic!

I’ve been thinking about that 3 minute interaction all day and I must admit that it motivates me to want to be a better woman to our men. It reaffirmed to me that, as a black woman, I should not feel guilty about expecting greatness from our boys and men. Sometimes I wonder if we set unrealistic expectations for black men because they have SOOOOO much to deal with in the world on a daily basis. However, I feel like there is no other race of men that can survive the things black men face and make it look as effortless.

So tomorrow when I put on my cocoa butter (even though I loathe the smell) and spray my juices and berries in my hair I will be reminded that to whom much is given, much is required. I will use my Black Girl Magic and Misery to cultivate some Black Boy Joy and Strength!

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Will You Weep For Your Brother/Sister?

My Initial Thoughts On the Las Vegas Shooting…

 

This morning I woke up at 5am to go about my daily routine. I checked my phone and the first thing I saw was “Pray for Las Vegas.” I figured there had been an earthquake or something, considering the crazy weather we’ve been having. When I read that there was a shooting on the Las Vegas strip that was being called the DEADLIEST in US History my heart stopped.

The first thing I thought about was that a friend, whom I love dearly, is currently in Las Vegas. I immediately texted him and in those panic stricken moments I spent waiting on his response, I thought about how I have never told him that I love him. I tell him that I am proud of him often but I can’t recall ever telling him that I love the human being that he is, the man that he has become, the father that he is, the businessman that he is, the friend that he is. Luckily I received a reply to my text within minutes and I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I heard myself exhale. It’s funny because now I understand what people were feeling when I was in Orlando last June and they woke up to similar news and began texting to check in with me.

Every time something like this happens, I begin to think about the people who cannot reach their loved ones because their loved ones are among the dead and injured. I was nervous and downright scared for a matter of minutes so I cannot imagine the people who are still waiting to get word.

These tragedies always remind us that at any given moment our lives can change or stop in the blink of an eye. I’ve been to dozens of concerts and music festivals in parks and unsecured/open areas and something like this has never crossed my mind. Then again, being shot in school or in a movie theater have also never crossed my mind.

I am afraid that if we continue to teach hate while at the same time ignoring the underlying issues we will continue to have mass killings and each one will be the DEADLIEST ever. Prayer goes a long way but faith without works is dead. I am praying for the souls of all those lost, praying for the recovery and emotionally stability of all those injured and praying for the strength of every family grieving or still trying to locate their people.

We live in a scary time and at some point we are going to have to realize that we, as a country, are doing something wrong. I’m not sure what that something is but I know that it cannot be prayed away. There first need to be acknowledgement of all our issues. In an effort to focus on our safety from foreign nations, we have taken away funding for our domestic safety and let me tell you, I am equally afraid of these mentally ill people with access to guns in our country as I am of Kim Jong Un.

Take some time out today, and everyday, to tell your people that you love them. Check on their mental, spiritual and emotional well-being because you never really know when someone could reach that point of no return. We are all one outing away from being a victim…

 

Surviving Baecation When Bae Is No Longer Bae!

So ladies, you and bae plan a vacation when y’all are in love and can’t get enough of each other. You try to save a few coins by paying the nonrefundable prices because that’s your man and y’all are going to be even more in love in 6 months (vacation time) than you are now so there’s no reason to make “what if” provisions.

You volunteer to pay your way because you want this man to know that you’re not trying to use him for a free trip, plus you need him to know that your bag is just as secure as his. So while he’s shopping for flights, you’re shopping for suites that will allow you to turn a family vacation (his family) into a romantic Baecation!

For months you’re planning for this trip, researching cute couple things to do, listening to him talk about the things he likes so that you can sneak in some surprises, just to see him smile. You order lingerie, cute swimwear, new dresses and sexy heels to prepare for you and your man’s first “baecation.” Additionally, you make sure that you have all essentials taken care of. Essentials include, but are not limited to, the following: appointment to get your snatch waxed, a fresh box of condoms (because men try to trap good women too), Poopourri, period calendar check (nothing cramps a vacation and an all-white outfit like that bitch Mother Nature). Just when you feel like you’ve prepared far enough in advance… you and the man you’ve envisioned as your husband realize that you want different things out of life and your relationship is over.

 

About 6 weeks out it starts with him making decisions that affect you, without consulting you prior to making said decisions. Then it moves to him giving his secrets and vulnerabilities to other people and you being the last to know what’s going on in his life. He begins to get extremely irritable and snappy with you about everything and you’re left feeling like you’re walking on egg shells. Then he begins to chastise you for not remembering things that he never told you, which confirms that he is giving someone else your secrets. The honey that used to drip from his lips when you spoke and the nightly FaceTime sessions are gone. You realize you haven’t seen him in over a month, though you’ve offered to make the trip to him several times, in spite of the way he’s been acting. You know that he has a lot on his plate and that once you are around him, you all will fall back into that happy place.

You continue to plan for “Baecation 2017” and look forward to getting back on track with this man you love so much, but you have a nagging feeling that his head and heart are long gone. A mere 2 weeks before the trip and AFTER you’ve committed to this non-refundable room, Bae tells you exactly what he wants (or in this case doesn’t want) out of life which is opposite of everything you’ve discussed and happens to be at the top of your non-negotiable list. Knowing that he did a complete 180 degree turn, you feel like he is trying to push you away and you casually try to back out of the trip by asking him “so what are we going to do about this trip to LA?” You’re kinda confused when he says that you all are still going but makes it very clear that you all are NOT in a relationship and that there will be no need for those condoms. By now, Bae is Ghost Bae because you know he exists but you don’t know what he looks like because it’s been so long since you’ve seen him. Part of you wants to back out but you think about the coins you’ve spent on this suite and how the hotel will only credit you with reward points. Plus, you are a woman of your word and would never back out of a commitment, even if you would rather poke your eyes out with rusty nails, rather than spend 5 days with a man who doesn’t want to be bothered with you.

7 days out, you begin to have motivational conversations with yourself and become your own hype man. Mainly because Ghost Bae is acting even stranger than before and double checking your decisions as if you grew up in the projects and consider the Super 8 when making travel accommodations. All your girls are telling you to back out of the trip and come home for the weekend instead but your voice of reason tells you that you deserve this trip and that your dumb ass should have paid the extra $100 for the refundable option, especially since you’ve saved some coins by downgrading from a suite to a regular schmegular ol room. You also skip the snatch waxing and save $12 on buying the PooPourri because well…… what for?

After a long plane ride and dealing with Ghost Bae’s unnecessary attitude, you realize that the only way you’re going to make it through this trip is with laughter, patience and a whole LOT OF LIQUOR. First stop is the liquor store, even though you’re surprised the liquor store is open at 8:30am. Then you put something on your stomach so you can begin to partake in the drankin! You have your first drink by 11:30am, the Gold Bar Whisky you purchased a month ago for his birthday that he just received because you haven’t seen him in more than 6 weeks (read that again with a LOT of attitude), and have some laughs with his hilarious uncle that you just met. You listen to his uncle talk about how much he likes you and how sweet you are and in the back of your mind you’re thinking about how you’ll likely never see uncle again. But you also spend time wondering if Ghost Bae is thinking the same thing, not how much he likes you because he obviously doesn’t but if he’s thinking about how you’ll never see his family again. You spend time with his family and although they feel so familiar and warm, a part of you feels disappointed because you love these people that you’ll never see again.

After a long day of travelling, it’s easy to sleep next to a man that you know does not love you and not touch him. The time change is fucking with you and you’re just MUFUCKIN TIDE!

Day 2, you wake up and remind yourself why you fell in love with this man. You watch him get dressed and remember the mornings you used to wake up to make him breakfast and chat with him before work. The memories flood back and you all begin to laugh and you think “I can get through this.” This is going to be ok and even though we can’t be together, we can at least be friends. Reality comes crashing down when he starts to say and do things that are disrespectful but you don’t trip because 1. He’s not your man anymore and 2. It’s not even worth the argument. Now, being confrontation is not something you do but being observant and borderline nosy is who you are. Then, you have your “BAECATION” aha moment when you’re talking to his aunt, the same way you would talk to your own and she is telling you about how you have to know your worth as a woman and value yourself because sometimes leaving a relationship is more valuable than staying when you know it’s not healthy for you. At this point you say “screw this,” and focus on enjoying yourself. You stop responding to his snide comments and make sure you’re sugary sweet to him, even though you’d rather be a sarcastic asshole.

The event that is the reason you came on the trip is that night and you know that ALL of his family will be there. You put on your game face and prepare to play nice but have your girls on the group chat ready in case you need some emotional back-up. Drinks are flowing and you’re drinking dark because you know you can handle it and not be walking around looking like Iesha drunk ass from Poetic Justice. But you get to this party and end up introducing yourself around because Ghost Bae doesn’t even bother. This is the first time since leaving home that you honestly wish you had stayed in ATL and taken the loss on the room.

But girl… just keep on drankin because it’s giving you that idgaf feeling. After the party Ghost Bae decides for you, again without asking your opinion, that y’all are going to the club with the cousins. You’re cool with it because it’s vacation and his cousins are hilarious. At the club everyone is laughing and getting along and then it happens… the moment when you have to decide if you’re going to keep it cute or have a nigga moment. Let me remind you that you have spent the night drinking dark but foolishly had a patron a pineapple juice in this club. Now back to this nigga moment…

Ghost Bae’s cousin’s boyfriend leans in and whispers in your ear that the family is ready to enjoy some wedding cake and that you need to hurry up and lock Ghost Bae down because you have a 3 million dollar man. Now you feel the anger creeping up into you and you have a split second to either let this entire club know that they got you fucked up or you can keep it classy and respond accordingly. You lean in and respond that you know exactly what Ghost Bae is worth but that Ghost Bae needs to realize the woman that you are because you’re worth your weight in gold and you weigh a lot. You let this man know that he should be telling Ghost Bae those things instead of you. When you tell this man that he needs to wife Ghost Bae’s beautiful cousin he tells you that he’s been trying and in that moment, your eyes mirror his and you both understand each other more than you know. So what do you do? KEEP DRANKING.

But then you feel drunk and the next thing you know, you’re sliding into the Iesha realm and have to focus on shutting the fuck up before you embarrass yourself. Unsure of what time you finally make it to bed, you wake up when you feel Ghost Bae slide into his side of the bed. Then all these drunk emotions take control and you’re freezing and all you want to do is feel wanted and comforted and warmed with his body heat. You scoot over and reach for Ghost Bae’s hand and feel him pull away and turn his back to you. At that moment, all composure goes out the window and you’re unsure if the liquor got you tripping or if your feelings are so fragile from trying to be strong for so long. One thing you know you better not do is beg a man so you roll over and go to sleep, only to wake up with a wet pillow and crocodile tears rolling down your face. You go to the bathroom and realize that you must have been crying in your sleep because your eyes are red and puffy. All you want is some comfort so you text the only person that can make you feel better and miraculously it works, but not before taking a drama queen selfie of yourself crying. You eventually fall back to sleep with your emotional armor back on and determined to make it through this trip.

The rest of the trip you get a lot of strange looks from Ghost Bae and his family is constantly asking you if you’re ok because you’re so quiet and deep in thought. You begin to ignore the snide remarks and fall into your comfortable introverted shell where you feel ok with being alone. Despite wondering if you should let Ghost Bae know how you’re feeling, you understand that him knowing how you feel won’t likely change his behaviors so why waste your time. Even though you’ve felt belittled and ignored, you won’t allow yourself to stop being the person you are because you’re past the point of allowing someone else’s actions to dictate your reaction. For the remainder of the trip you truly enjoy yourself because you no longer have expectations and you are finally able to accept that you and Ghost Bae are over and that it is ok. After you reach that point, you enjoy his company and when you all return home, you know that you both will go your separate ways with an unspoken understanding that it was fun while it lasted. You all used to talk about how you had that type of love that Avant sang about in “When It Hurts,” but you realize that Ghost Bae can’t love you if he doesn’t even like you.

Your last day in LA, after really enjoying to QT with Ghost Bae, you decide to spend the day alone to reflect on your relationship and all that has happened since the first correspondence. You remember why you fell in love with this man and recognize that while he is an amazing man, he chose to stop being amazing to you. You wonder if he is taking this time away from you to reflect on his actions and acknowledge the things about you that made him fall in love too. Throughout the day you text back and forth and he checks on you the way he used to.

Now here it is a week later and you have felt waves of sadness because you really like his family and you hope that they don’t think badly about you because you chose yourself over Ghost Bae. You also think about all the things you had planned that you didn’t get to do because the tone of the trip was so different than when you initially made plans; the whale watching boat tour, holding hands and watching the sunset on the beach, the couples massage. You wonder if you all can have a friendship but decide to leave it up to God. You also realize that you’re the type of woman that tries to learn from everything and realize that you learned a lot about who you are as a person and how to be a friend while at the same time staying true to who you are!

If you’ve learned nothing, you’ve learned; to pay the extra money in case you need a refund, don’t get too attached to the family no matter how great they are, keep drankin and it will be just fine!

AmeriKKKa: Land of the Free, Home of the Mentally Enslaved!

I spend my days saving babies but imagine if I only saved the black ones. Imagine me going to the hospital and allowing a white meth addict to take her drug exposed infant home while I use every resource in my rolodex to save the little brown baby whose mother is stable, healthy and wealthy. Imagine if I turned a blind eye to the little white girl whose father has been molesting her and she cries out to me for help. I would be wrong, wouldn’t I? I save lives for a living and I don’t pick and choose who has more value because all lives are worth saving. This weekend I saw a photo floating around on Instagram of a little girl in a KKK uniform standing in front of a black police officer in riot gear. This child looked to be about 3 or 4 years old and my first thought was, if I were there I would have pushed her down. Then I had to remind myself that she is the type of child that needs saving.

We grew up being taught “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Sticks and stone may break bones but words can break a spirit. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a text from a good friend that said he choked a white man out and almost killed him because the man used the term nigger. My first instinct was to say a prayer that my friend was still alive, and not sitting in the county jail, to text me. Now let me tell you that this particular friend is so mild mannered and loves people the way I love people… unconditionally. For him to have snapped I know that he had just reached his “Fuck This,” point. The “Fuck This” point is when you have taken all that you can take and refuse to take anymore. When you get to that point where you snap and refuse to be disrespected any longer. We’ve all been there and will probably be there again. Living in a world where being Black makes you insignificant will do it to you every time. I really stared at my phone for a long time trying to think of how to respond to my friend and let him know that he is not alone in his frustrations. I was really at a loss for words because I didn’t feel bad for the man that got choked and I hoped that the experience will make him think twice the next time he wants to call someone a nigger.

I have been struggling watching the news coverage of the terrorism in Charlottesville Virginia all weekend. I have recently removed myself from most social media and disconnected my television because the world we live in sucks the life out of me. As much as I try to decompress and pretend that the world is full of rainbows and unicorns, growing up with Black skin had shown me otherwise. Living south of the Mason Dixon line the past few years has taught me that I am still a color and that nigger is still a term that cuts deep. No matter how much education I have, how articulate I am, how successful I become or how kind I am to all people I will still be a nigger to those that choose to hate and to those that were seasoned to view me as less than because I am black.

What bothers me about the United States is that the media chooses to feed into the negativity and encourage the stereotypes while ignoring anything positive that may actually bring people together. When they refer to black peaceful protesters, they are always “thugs” or “urban.” When they are talking about these white KKKlansmen, they are “white nationalist.” The media makes these white thugs sound like they are patriots doing it for the American people, as if my black ass isn’t an American. The media encourages the destruction of people and we are too stupid to recognize that the images being spoon fed to us are intentional and deliberate.

What bothers me more is the “it’s not my neighborhood so I don’t care” attitudes of black people. A post on social media and people feel like they’ve done their due diligence regarding racism, bigotry and prejudice in America, not realizing that for every social media post you make, there are three robes and matching hoods being sewn. For every “twitter beef,” started, there is a meeting being held for these hate groups on how to get rid of us all together. But what’s even worse is that behind these hoods are your teachers, doctors, police officers, congressmen, car salesmen, bankers, firefighters, attorneys and judges. They are hiding in plain sight and black people are too busy poppin ass on social media or trying to “stay woke,” rather than paying attention to what’s in our face. We are teaching our children that it is ok to be made to feel inferior because they are black and that there is nothing to do but accept it or tweet about it.

Have you ever read The Willie Lynch Letter (https://archive.org/stream/WillieLynchLetter1712/the_willie_lynch_letter_the_making_of_a_slave_1712_djvu.txt)? It was written in 1712 and outlines the process of breaking a slave into submission for life and how they will continue to live in mental confinement and continue the cycle of inferiority for hundreds or thousands of years. There was a time when we had great leaders who were working on reconditioning our people to get us away from the Willie Lynch mentality. Yet the media, in the last 20-30 years, has been acting as the overseers and recreating the modern day Willie Lynch mentality. The three main parts of the process are:

• Turning our people against one another (men against women, young against old, light against dark)
• Breaking the black woman so that she may be dependent of the slave master and ingrain in her a fear that leads her to teach her boys to be submissive and mentally weak for survival purposes.
• Tear apart the black family to ensure that the women and children are unprotected and boys are raised to be physically strong and mentally weak while the black man is separated from his family and emasculated because he feels useless.

If you cannot look at the black community today and realize that we are continuing the cycle (without much help) then you are roaming through life with blinders on. I see black people as being so self-centered in today’s society. Everyone is trying to advance and make money for themselves and their children. They are trying to experience the finer things in life without realizing that it all comes at a cost and that the cost is the seasoning of the black mind and the breaking of black people. Who controls the money that they are chasing? Whites. Who determines your salaries? Whites. Who decides who gets what small business loans and how many taxes are owed? Whites. Sure they may have a black poster child to make you falsely believe you can trust them, similar to the way black slaves were made overseers. These smiling black faces feel like they have attained a position of power and choose to remind those under them that they have it (pitting us against each other).

So when I see my people feeling like the incident in Charlottesville Virginia has nothing to do with them, I want them to understand that it is all a part of the process and that mentality is catalyst that allows the KKK to feel like they have the right to look us in the eyes and call us nigger, whore, monkey, tar baby and any other derogatory epithet they feel like spewing at that moment. What bothers me are the white people who swear that they are not racist yet spend all their time telling black people to get like Elsa and Let It Go! Not acknowledging the issue is the biggest part of the issue.

Our nation has come a long way, since slavery, to make it appear that we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. However, seeing people on the television wearing hoods and robes like it’s the hottest thing on the 2017 NY Fashion Week runway is disturbing. Hearing the media call them “white nationalists” and protesters rather than using words that ACCURATELY describe them like “thug” or terrorist because that’s exactly what a group of people seeking to incite fear as a means of gaining control or power.

At some point, black people are going to have to realize that we are doing nothing more than continuing to break ourselves and season our children into that inferiority attitude. We have to learn that mental strength is more powerful than physical strength and that strengthening our minds and our spirits will make it much easier to strengthen our bodies. Once we understand this notion, we can begin to break the mental chains and embrace the need for more “FUCK THIS” moments.

An Extroverts Guide to Loving an Introvert!

Have you ever met a person that you thought was a complete bitch or a total asshole but then you get to know them and they’re nothing like you expected? The world is full of amazing people with different types of personalities.

Much can be misunderstood about an introverted person. Many people describe them as shy, quiet, loners, weird, socially inept and other generalizations that may or may not be true. Many introverts rarely show signs of introversion around their families and close friends. Mainly because they have developed a level of comfort and trust with the people they are closest to.

When entering into a friendship/relationship with an introverted person, there are some things you have to understand before determining if that level of commitment is for you.

Introverts spend a lot of time deep in thought: an introverted person takes time to think about thinks more critically than an extroverted person. When they engage in conversation, the introverts mind races much quicker, despite the fact that they are usually slower to respond. An introverted person sees most conversations as one would see an intense game of chess. They weigh all possible reactions to their words before allowing them to slip from their lips. This may not be true 100% of the time but a large portion of conversations are well thought out. The reason an introverted person thinks so critically is because an introverted person is usually highly sensitive and does not do well with being judged, chastised, criticized or ridiculed. While being sensitive is often part of an introverts nature, we are often very strong and independent people. We know how to lead and stay comfortable in the background.

Introverts need more reassurance: an introverted person can have the highest self-esteem and still crave that acceptance from others. While we crave the acceptance, being liked is not a priority. We just like to know that we are acknowledged. In relationships our partners opinion matters more than anyone else and we often overcompensate in order to get the praise we crave.

Introverted people are often very passionate and sensual people. We enjoy giving our best efforts and the reward of being successful. An introverted person truly understands that it is better to give than to receive.

Introverts do not like being the center of attention, while they are usually able to appear extremely comfortable in front of a crowd. When forced into the spotlight we could be talking about a particular subject but in our heads we are thinking “please don’t trip up these steps,” or “hope my skirt isn’t tucked into my panties” or more like my introverted brain “if I fall off this stage I hope an Idris Elba fine ass man catches me and asks me on a date!”

At the end of the day, an introverted person is not needy but they appreciate knowing that they matter. They love spending time with the people they are closest with but they also love spending time to process their thoughts.

But don’t count out an introvert because they are often strong, resilient, loving, open and very easy to get along with. They are rarely stuck up, shy or standoffish as they may appear to me.

Just know that we are worth learning how to love.
-ThatDopeBlackGirl

Mother Nature is a Man!

If another thing with a peen tells me to stop being dramatic about my period, I am going to scream!!! Like dude… seriously. All men have to worry about is how many pairs of gray sweatpants to buy…

How is it that a man can tell a woman that we’re being dramatic when you have no idea what we are dealing with? Oh you think it’s some cramps? A little bit of blood? Welp……. let me lay this shit out for you.

* A few days before your period you start to cry at the silliest things and Father forbid something out of the ordinary happens and you’re a crying blubbering idiot and you don’t know how to make it stop.

* Then on the day your period starts (if you’re not lucky enough to start when you first wake up) expect to feel something weird, as you rush to the bathroom praying. Now you’re in the bathroom at work or school and hopefully you have something in your purse or else you’re going to have to stuff tissue in your panties until you can find a pad or tampon.

* Now said pad will cover you from the front to the middle of your ass and may cause the equivalent of a diaper rash. Or the tampon that you have to squat to insert and hope it gets in the correct position. Then you spend all day wondering if you’re having leakage because those commercials are BULLSHIT!

* Those cramps that are supposed to be a warning…. usually don’t come until AFTERWARDS and feel like tiny little butterflies in your stomach. Nope, not the butterflies you get when you’re in lust but butterflies that have been set on fire while wearing airbrushed Jodeci boots that say “I’m Mother Nature Bitch” *insert Dave Chappell voice

* Now that second day the cramps likely subside but then you get that headache that does not go away for at least 24 hours no matter what you take (middle finger to Vicodin). The kind of headache that makes you want to drill a hole in the side of your head with a power tool.

* Can we get to the bloating that makes your jeans not fit and brings on crying spells because you feel fat and gross but your emotions are out of whack so you see a whale in the mirror? Oh… y’all don’t want to talk about that huh?

* What about the night sweats and B.O…. as if the anticipation of menopause isn’t bad enough… just make me sweat through my sheets and nap my hair up. Last night my thermostat was on 65 and I was sooooooo HOT!

* The cravings… if you don’t want to undo all your monthly fitness progress you have to fight the Chocolate cravings that will make you bite a crocodiles face off of it were dipped in chocolate. A donut will be your best love affair and then the scale will make you cry… again.

* The diarrhea that has to just run through you. No need to even elaborate.

* Oh, and your gums get swollen and you can hardly eat.

* Your breasts get tender and your nipples hurt too bad to wear a bra…. but you need a bra because your breasts are heavy and to have them hanging will hurt.

* Then finally after 4 days of being weak (because you are actually LOSING BLOOD) you’re finally done. Oh wait… yeah right because your ass will get tricked and now you’ve messed up your cute panties and favorite slacks, only to have to suffer 3 more days. God forbid you have to experience this for more than 7 days… but my personal best is 43.

And then here you men come telling us to stop being dramatic, to suck it up and  to man up!!! Y’all wonder why our heads start spinning like the exorcist and we’re ready to juug y’all in the kidney.

Keep in mind, what I described was an average, run of the mill menstrual cycle. I’ve heard stories of women bleeding through pads every hour and having to carry trash bags, adult diapers and other such foolishness because as women we know that the work must get done, the kids must be taken care of, our men must have his needs met and nothing in our world can slow down.

So the next time you overhear women talking about periods and want to tell her to stop being dramatic, get over it and (my personal favorite) MAN THE HELL UP… please understand that women have been acquitted for murder because of their periods and while a man will bitch about a sniffle… women are too busy getting the hell over it to care about y’alls opinions about our bodies!

ThatDopeBlackGirl

Find Em, Fuck Em, Forget Em!

Yesterday I was talking with my good good girlfriend and we started discussing how cheaters don’t consider the emotional ramifications of their actions. As a woman, I can only speak from a female perspective. I’m not male bashing but I’m going to be real about my opinions, which are based on my personal experiences and observations. Any time someone breaks up with you, you wonder what you could have done differently but when a man consciously does something that they know could potentially end the relationship, why do we still wonder what WE did wrong? I cried a thousand rivers over my ex and wondered how I can make myself better to make him want me. It took me a long time to understand that no matter what I did, I would never be able to make him stay home because he didn’t see the value of what he had. I realized that I allowed a man with no self-esteem allow me to diminish mine.

As a woman, the first thing you think about when you get cheated on is “what did I do wrong?” We spend a lot of time trying to figure out why we weren’t good enough, if we didn’t love hard enough, if we were not pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, freaky enough, domestic enough, independent enough, emotional enough, outspoken enough, submissive enough, supportive enough and many other enoughs?

Why is it that a man can go out and stick his peena weena in a bunch of different hot pockets and we are left crying, disappointed, hurt and wondering what we did to cause this bad behavior? Internally we think about it constantly. It weighs us down, it gets into our spirit and it creates self-doubt like a big dog. More than that, it effects the way we view love and relationships and it often hinders us from making smart decisions about who we choose to build relationships with. That self-doubt and suspicion not only effects how we view the opposite sex, but it effects the bonds we build with women.

I am a woman that has never had low self-esteem and I never thought I would be the woman left asking what I did to make a man cheat, or why wasn’t I good enough to make a man stay? Now, let’s not get the game twisted… that is a natural reaction and it ALWAYS crosses your mind in the hours immediately following a break-up, regardless of the cause. I remember in my mid-twenties searching for a way to break things off with a guy that I just wasn’t compatible with but before I could formulate my approach, he dumped my ass like it was trash day. I immediately went to that “what did I do wrong place?” Despite the fact that this was a man I did not want, did not need and I knew did not deserve what I had to offer. I spent a few hours cursing and looking stupid about being left but hey, that’s natural. However, if you spend days, weeks and months with those thoughts, girlfriend you need to spend some time with yourself and rebuild your self-worth.

Men need to really understand the psychological and emotional damage that they are doing to their families when they are out here spreading their seed and measuring their own self-worth by the number of vaginas they have been inside and how many babies they can make. How does it make your women feel knowing that they are just not enough? How does it make your children feel knowing that they have siblings that they don’t know because their father is too busy chasing tail than being a man. It just seems that men get their feelings hurt (usually once when they are too young to even know what heartbreak is) and swear off doing right by all women as a result. But is it Mary’s fault at 25 years old that Linda broke your heart in the 9^th grade bruh? Is it Bianca’s responsibility to pay for the mistakes of Ericka? At some point, as a man you have to learn how to manage your emotions and heal before you move on. It’s not always easy but it’s necessary. Especially if you’re the type of brother that is always telling a woman that he won’t pay for another man’s mistakes… without even realizing that he has left a string of women heartbroken and with a wet ass because of a woman doing him wrong ONE time way back when. You all see these women as angry black bitches or damaged little girls and often don’t realize that a man just like yourself has contributed to that damage.

As much as men need to get their shit together, women also have to accept responsibility and understand that you have to be able to articulate your expectations and be strong enough to walk away from the disrespect. If you accept a man cheating for years upon years with more women than you can count, why are you packing up your glad rags when he brings home an STD or a baby? You cannot give the type of mixed signals indicative of cheating as being manageable behavior but leaving when the things that naturally occur when a man is sticking a moving happens to your man. Women have to stop walking around like they are sitting on platinum pwussy and that it is going to keep a man coming home.

Ladies, you have to stop jumping from relationship to relationship because you end up dating the same man with different faces. Your problems in the relationship may be different. Randy might have been a cheater, Ronnie might have been a liar, Ricky may have been abusive but the root of their issues are usually always the same. They don’t know how to receive love and if they cannot receive love they cannot give love to anyone else. Most importantly, a person who does not love his/herself cannot possibly love you the way we all deserve to be loved.

Allowing yourself to be bitter and angry as a result of your pain is the exact same as men not caring how they treat women as a result of their pain. Healing takes time and effort but it is worth it in the end. Healing from the pain of a loss is necessary for your own growth and well-being. It’s not healthy to continually take in negativity and live with bitterness, anger, resentment and pain. Those thing kill your spirit and depletes your energy and adds to your baggage. Constantly weighing yourself down with unnecessary stress is not worth it. Why live a life of misery when you can grow through the pain and live peacefully and happily!?!

 

Part 1…

I strongly believe that a woman cannot teach a boy to be a man. But I also believe that a woman can teach her son respect, self worth and how to be a productive member of society. 
Today, I witnessed a mother tell me how she took a back seat to mothering her 17 year old child because she is female and he is male. I witnessed a woman tell her son that he no longer has a mother and she no longer has a son. There are too many motherless children in the world due to women choosing not to mother their children. Now I must say that this is not the first parent that I have witnessed with this mentality.
What hurt my heart was watching this 6’1, 17 year old man child cry out for his mother and tell her that he loves her. When this child looked in my eyes and asked me why his mother doesn’t love him, all I could do was hug him tightly and tell him that things would happen according to God’s plan. I watched his thin shoulders slump and heard his sobs. It made my heart break into pieces. I wanted to take this child home with me, clean him up and lift his spirit. The fact that I had to wipe his tears AND tell him to hold his held up put me in a sad space. It made me realize that there is an entire generation of children that do not know how to value themselves. 
Driving home I felt empty. I felt disgusted, disappointed and helpless. It made me realize how people really fuck children up and send them off into adulthood to try to figure out how to reverse the dysfunctions that have been ingrained in them. Luckily, some of us can recognize the changes necessary for success but the ones that can’t, don’t or won’t end up tearing through life like a natural disaster and leaving emotional damage. 
Today I don’t have the answers. Sigh…. where is the village when you need it? 

“You’re too strong of a Black Woman to be feeling this way. Get over it!”

Monday mornings I like to sit at my desk, read my Bible and journal a little. It helps me set the tone for my work week and gives me something to look back on to see my spiritual growth. This morning, I got to work a little earlier than usual so I had time to do some additional reading. I came across an article on BlackDoctor.org entitled “The New Face of Depression: The “Strong” Black Woman.” (http://blackdoctor.org/462194/black-women-depression/)

The brief article discusses that stigma in the Black community surrounding seeking mental health services. The idea that Black women should take our problems to Jesus rather than to a stranger and that “if our people could make it through slavery, we can make it through anything” are a few of the things that bother me about being a Black woman in America. I love God more than I love myself but I understand that when your faith is shaken and you don’t feel close to God, seeking help from other sources is necessary. Depression is real and addressing it is very necessary in order to strengthen our families and be successful as a people. This article really hit home to me because I have experienced depression and I was too ashamed to speak on it. Symptoms of depression include, but are not limited to:

• A persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood, or excessive crying
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain
• Irritability, restlessness
• Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling “slowed down”
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
• Sleeping too much or too little, early-morning waking
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Several years ago I experienced the worse pain I have ever felt as the result of betrayal and heartbreak by a man that I would have given my life for. Prior to the breakup I had never experienced signs of depression so I did not recognize that what I was experiencing was depression rather than heartbreak. For almost a year I cried. I cried when certain songs came on. I cried everyday on my way to work. I cried when someone said “what’s wrong Miss Ashley.” It was like I always had a pool of tears sitting in my eyes waiting to spill over. But I cried in private. I cried in my office and used Visine and wet naps religiously. I was slipping in to a darkness and did not realize that I was a few tears and hopeless feelings away from doing something drastic that would have changed my entire life.

I went through several counselors before my EAP connected me to Steve Hoekstra. People always say I’m being dramatic when I tell them that Steve saved my life. No, I was not suicidal. No, I was not homicidal. No, I did not need medication. What I needed was someone to teach me how to get through depression BEFORE I reached the point of no return. The benefit of a Christian counselor was that he helped me overcome the things I needed to in order to survive the depression but he also redirected me to God because I had lost my way.

The crazy part is, when I finally opened up and told my mother that I was going to counseling she assumed I was “playing crazy” in order to get some time off work. At that point I knew that I could not allow myself to be seen as weak so I kept everything bottled up until my weekly sessions but I will say this… I never took time off work because that was never my goal. My mother didn’t GET IT until I had a break down at work one evening and called her sobbing uncontrollably. It was at that point that she realized that something was wrong.

My friends spent all their time telling me how strong I was and how they couldn’t understand how I was keeping it together so well. Little did anyone know, I was dying on the inside. I felt like I was constantly being held together by a single strand of cheap thread. I was suffering in silence, like so many Black women.

Depression is not always about being heavily medicated or being labeled as mentally ill. I have not had any episodes of depression that required counseling/therapy but I love the fact that I am a Black woman that is strong enough to recognize when I need help and how to seek assistance. I don’t look for approval from anyone because I understand that I have to do what’s best for me. I cannot be a strong woman if I am too weak to ask for help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

“Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance.”–Unknown